“Feelings are the colors of life.” -Melody Beattie

I can’t remember who said it–if it was me or someone else–but I grew up for a long time believing it was a bad thing to be emotional. But I’m emotional. Do you see the problem? Fundamentally, I had (and can still have) this belief that I’m emotional and I shouldn’t be because being emotional is bad.

Yet, what is the definition of emotional? Doesn’t that just mean that you have feelings and emotions living, breathing, and speaking inside of you? Why would that be a bad thing, especially if God gave us emotions? Emotionality is part and parcel of the human experience. Emotions are a part of life. They are not bad. Jesus had emotions. So I’m learning to embrace mine more.

The problems come in when we don’t know or learn how to manage our emotions properly. We either suppress them, deny them, become numb to them, worship them, or let them control us. So I’m learning that the goal is not to be unemotional, but to be emotionally controlled.

Emotionally Uncontrolled Female

I’m a woman. I’m sensitive. I’m introspective. I’ve been through my share of pain. What a recipe for disaster! (Not true!) But with those factors all put together, my emotional life used to be very, very, very overwhelming. I remember throwing tantrums as a youngster, as a pre-teen, as a teenager, and as a young adult in my early twenties. I was aware that I felt intensely, but I was unaware that I was emotionally uncontrolled. Can you relate?

I learned that I struggled with managing my emotions around the age of 19/20. I had just experienced another heartbreak and I found myself behaving in ways that were detrimental. The drama of young adulthood. I just didn’t feel good and the drinking, partying, crazy life was just making it worse.

I reached a breakthrough when I started listening to Jesus’ voice and following his example through my reading of the bible and connecting with other people who were Christian. But even still, I often wondered how to feel close to God emotionally–how to emotionally connect with his love, acceptance, understanding. How to feel seen, forgiven, cherished in my relationship with him. I was reading what he was saying in the bible, I was trying to do what he asked, but I didn’t feel close. And I didn’t like faking it. I would tell him through prayer, “I know you in my mind but I’m not connecting in my heart.” Have you ever been there? Are you there now?

(I’ll stop here to encourage you with this: acknowledging how you truly feel–to God, to yourself, or to someone else is a great step towards emotional freedom.)

The issue was me. And it wasn’t just my relationship with God that was impacted. It was also my relationship with myself and others. Now, don’t get me wrong, I was good at perceiving when something was off with me, but I couldn’t gain clarity or insight as to exactly what it was.

My emotions were controlling my reality, and at times they still do. I was seeing life through an emotional lens and I was allowing my emotions to form my beliefs. I was defining myself by what I felt and as I defined myself by what I felt, I acted in that way. I was acknowledging my feelings (which is good), analyzing them (which can be good) and I was counting them as facts. (which is not beneficial).

Feelings are not Facts (but they are important).

Melody Beattie, an expert in codependency, shares in The New Codependency,

…what we’re feeling right now is perfect, important, but not concrete.

I agree with her on the points of our feelings being important but not concrete. I wouldn’t consider them perfect because they are ever changing. That’s my opinion. Our feelings are important; they matter, but they are a very poor foundation to build our lives and identities on. That’s what I was doing (and can still do, even now). Yet, since our emotions are imperfect and ever-changing, how can they be our anchor to life? If one day I feel happy, but the next day I don’t am I to continue to define myself by these capricious things? I could but that would guarantee a hectic, miserable life devoid of peace. (Is this where you are right now? No worries! There’s hope!)

She also shares:

We need feelings in the world. They help us create great music, books, paintings, and stories. They make everything we do better, because we’re emotionally alive. They help guide us. They tell us when we hate the situation we’re in or whether or not we love what we’re doing and who we’re with. They put life in what we do; they show us what interests us. They’re the color, passion, and spice of life.

Melody Beattie, “The New Co-Dependency

Our feelings help us get to know God, life, ourselves, and others. How would I know that I am pleased with reading if I didn’t feel happy doing it? How would I know I don’t like sports if I didn’t experience disinterest at the mention of it? How would I know I need (and was created for God) if I didn’t feel yearning? Feelings signal us to something greater without and within. When controlled, they can lead to an enriched life. Yet, when suppressed, they lead to an un-lived, mundane existence and when unchecked, they are destructive.

Allow Yourself to Feel AND learn to control yourself

Are you afraid to feel? Do you avoid specific situations because you’re fearful of the emotional impact it may have on you? Are you afraid you won’t be able to handle your emotions: positive or negative? I’ve been there AND I still struggle through this, but with God’s guidance I am learning that I don’t have to fear my emotions. I don’t have to fear other people because of how they may make me feel. I can feel AND I can control my reactions to my feelings. Jesus allowed himself to feel. I imagine him feeling afraid, hungry, and tired when he spent those 40 days in the wilderness. Yet, he allowed the spirit to guide him there. (Questions about this? Email me! :)) He was with the wild animals (that’s scary!). He was hungry. (I lose my mind when I’m hungry) But he felt these things. And he wasn’t controlled by them. In fact, these feelings and his ability to control himself made him stronger. His feelings made him human and super relatable. I used to have a hard time relating to Jesus because I thought he was so perfect. But I am learning, Jesus felt. The man felt deeply. And that woos my heart because I can relate to emotionality.

Can you?

So my dear reader, friend, whoever is reading this–I want to encourage you to allow yourself to feel and challenge yourself (pray, ask for help) in learning how to control your emotions. I have faith that if and when you do, your quality of life will improve. And you’ll be one step closer to experiencing emotional freedom.

Love and Light,

Kourtney Naomi