Seven Ways To Stop People Pleasing

Hi Friend! As I write this post, I am writing to myself as well. I would even go so far as to change the question. Instead of stopping my people pleasing behaviors, I want to progress, learn, and develop. (I’m working on developing a growth mindset). So I don’t want the focus to be on stopping the behavior, but growing and evolving. Stopping can sound so finite, so unwelcoming of mistakes, so absolute, so rigid… 

I digress. 

But anyway, since you are here and reading this, you may very well be a people pleaser. Welcome to the club! Be sure to check out my previous posts on people pleasing behaviors, here and here. 

Before I delve into my seven ways to stop people pleasing (or seven ways to GROW as a people pleaser) First things first: don’t beat yourself up. Embrace yourself as you are and tell yourself, “God made you, He loves you, you are not perfect, and you can grow.” (While you’re at it, give yourself a kiss.) 

Be Gentle With Yourself 

People describe me as a gentle person. People also describe me as a nurturing person, and I am. However, I am not like this with myself all the time. I am learning to speak kindly to myself. When I make a mistake, when I feel anxious or awkward, when I am afraid of how someone may react to what I do or say, I am learning to tell myself: “Kourtney, it’s okay.” As a Christian, the bible tells me that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. The bible also teaches me that God is a patient God meaning he doesn’t get angry with me when I make mistakes. His anger is long and controlled–he is slow to anger. If he is patient and slow to anger, this must mean he is gentle. And if I am striving to live a life like Jesus then I too must respond to myself in godly ways. 

You’ll find that as you are gentle with yourself, as you are learning and changing your people-pleasing behaviors, it makes the process less stressful. 

Learn More About Love 

This connects to my previous point about being gentle with yourself. I’ve learned that in order for growth to occur, people (like plants) need the right environment. If you want to grow in this area, you have to learn more about love and surround yourself in it. For me, I am learning to do this by being in God’s word more and allowing people to love me, which requires vulnerability. As I learn that love isn’t about people always agreeing with me, I’m learning it is okay to disagree with others. As I am learning that love is honest, I’m learning it’s okay for me to be more honest with others about who I am and what I need. As I am learning that love is kind, I’m learning that if someone is unkind to me they’re not being loving (in that moment) and that says more about them than it says about me. As I learn what love is, I’m learning I don’t have to adjust so much to try to get it. I don’t have to people-please to receive love because real love does not require me to do so. So I am finding that I can be honest, awkward, quirky, tell my friends the truth about themselves because I am learning to not be afraid of losing love. If I have God’s love, I’m okay. And if the people around me really love me, they’ll accept me with my flaws, respect my boundaries, accept my quirks and all. (Doesn’t mean they have to like these things!) 

Pause 

Oh, pausing is so important. My friend Andria has taught me this. Part of my people pleasing is me agreeing to things I don’t want to do or agreeing with things I don’t really agree with. I’ve been practicing the pause at work. This helps me to speak my mind clearly and keeps me from taking on more than I can handle. I am still practicing the pause with my friends, but I am so thankful when I agree to something before thinking it through, that they are understanding when I need to change my mind. I am also practicing the pause with my family. I love them dearly so I want to cater to their every whim, but I can’t. Lately, I’ve been pausing before agreeing to babysit or go someplace or attend a meeting. That way my answers are sincere and manageable, not reactive and unmanageable. 

Be In Touch With Yourself

This connects with the prior point as well. Pausing allows me to feel my emotions and hear my thoughts, which is me being in touch with myself. When I am anxious, I don’t pause and I react to my feelings of anxiety, which results in me people pleasing. When I feel those feelings but don’t allow them to control me, then I can choose what I want and need to say.

Speak Your Truth 

Speaking your truth is aligned with being in touch with yourself. Many times, people pleasers are attuned with what we think people may want to hear and we allow that to dictate what we say and do. However, pausing will allow you to be in touch with yourself, which lends itself to speaking your  truth.  In fact, today I practiced this with a friend. I was able to truthfully share what I liked, didn’t like, and what he could expect from me because of my personality. I didn’t have to bend the truth because I focused on not allowing my fears of what he might say control me. I was more concerned with my truthfulness than his reaction to it. 

Be Humble 

In regard to people pleasing, humility is important because without it we can’t change. When I say humility, I mean being willing to admit that you have a problem and seeking to grow, learn, and get help. As a Christian, I need God’s help to help me be motivated by his love and his spirit as opposed to my own desire for validation. If I’m not humble, I won’t know I need his help. If you’re not a Christian, I believe you can change your behavior (but your heart is a different story, if you’re not connected to God). Without God, we will only seek to grow for ourselves, our own glory, and not his. While this may feel good to our egos, it is not good for our souls. The sublime example and source of humility comes from Jesus himself. Ask him for help. 

If you don’t or you aren’t interested in his help, the non-spiritual way of humility is to seek to learn and be willing to ask for help and admit your mistakes. 

Keep Trying 

We’re human. We are going to make mistakes. However, the goal is to keep trying. I’ve been making progress in people pleasing, thanks to God, but I still have a lot to learn. I still care way too much about what others think, but I am determined to press on. I don’t have to be perfect. And neither do you, friend. If you people-pleased today, okay, try again tomorrow. Being a people pleaser doesn’t make us worse than other people, it is an opportunity for growth and learning. 

Resources: 

I’m currently reading two books that are helping me grow in this area. 

• The New Codependency by Melody Beattie 
• Mindset by Carol Dweck 

Scriptures

There are more specific scriptures on people pleasing, but the scriptures that have been affirming and uplifting me (which result in more confidence in God, which results in me being less likely to people please) are: 

• God arms me with strength, and he makes my way perfect. He makes me as surefooted as a deer, enabling me to stand on mountain heights. He trains my hands for battle; he strengthens my arm to draw a bronze bow. -Psalm 18:32-34
• Fearing people is a dangerous trap, but trusting the LORD means safety -Proverbs 29:25
• So Jesus said…I do nothing on my own but say only what the Father taught me. And the one who sent me is with me–he has not deserted me. For I always do what pleases him.” John 8:28b-29

That last one, wow, I hope it encourages you. Jesus was not a people pleaser. He didn’t need people’s validation, he was completely dependent on God, and his sole focus was on pleasing him. I want to learn to model my life after him. I invite you to do the same. 

Stay tuned for my next post on people pleasing, which will focus on the strengths that come from it. (Yes, I believe there are strengths that come with being a people pleaser) 

Are these posts helpful for you? Leave a comment, feedback, or a blog request! I wish you nothing but growth and perseverance on your journey!

Love and Light, 

Kourtney Naomi