If you are asking yourself that question, you probably are a people pleaser and you might even be saying “ew” because you don’t like that you are a people pleaser. It just sounds desperate, like your whole life revolves around trying to make people like you. I know I have had that reaction. It makes me feel weak and repulsive to the people around me, or at least it used to. As I am learning to lean more into God’s grace, his love, and his view of me, the shame of being a people pleaser loses its strength as I hold on more to his strength. (I hope you can experience the same freedom, dear reader 💙)

Well first things first, if you are a people pleaser or you think you may be a people pleaser don’t beat yourself up about it. You probably already feel bad about it, so beating yourself up isn’t going to help you and it’s not going to make you improve any faster. (I’m talking to myself just as much as I’m speaking to you, dear reader.) 

But What Is a People Pleaser? 

In my opinion, a people pleaser is a person who is more concerned about the being accepted by another person than they are concerned about being their true self and being true to themselves. They are more focused on avoiding rejection, ridicule, and criticism from another person than they are focused on sharing their true and honest emotions, thoughts, desires, needs, and interests. These are six signs that you may be a people pleaser. I also share from my own experience. But friend, don’t fret. All is not lost and we are, after all, all human and flawed. Lighten up, but take responsibility because if you don’t, everyone will be pleased, living their best lives, except for you boo. 

Six Signs That You Are A People Pleaser 

• You have a hard time speaking up when your feelings are hurt 
• You have a hard time speaking up for your needs 
• You have a hard time saying no 
• You give too much of your time 
• You give too much of your energy
• You have unbalanced relationships where you give way more than you receive 

You Have a Hard Time Speaking up When your Feelings are Hurt 

This is true for me, but by God’s grace and the wonderful, safe people he’s put around me, I am growing in this area. I developed this bad habit of not saying, “that hurt my feelings” from my family and my peer groups at a younger age. I’ve shared briefly in another post how I was teased and ridiculed a lot by my peers in elementary school. I didn’t know how to say, “Hey! Stop!” I also didn’t know how to tell the adults around me that a peer was hurting me. Likewise, in my family, we are not very good at expressing our hurt feelings to one another. We react to them, but don’t express them. 

In college, when I had conflicts with my friends, I didn’t know how to tell them if something they were doing was bothering me.  As a result, I’d walk around grumpy, disgruntled, and upset while they had no clue that they were doing something that was hurting me. This created distance between us and within me it developed the pervasive feeling of being misunderstood. 

When you don’t tell people that they are doing something that is hurting you, you allow the behavior to continue and you allow yourself to be hurt. That’s no fun and the feelings suck! 

You Have a Hard Time Speaking up for your Needs 

*Ding, Ding, Ding* this is the one! Oh, man! I have such a hard time speaking up for my needs. Now, I don’t consider myself to be a needy person. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. However, everyone has needs, including me. Some of my needs include: active listening (eye contact, no distractions, the whole shabang), kind words, personal space, and a balance between light and deep conversation. (I also need understanding, support, love, and affection. I mean who doesn’t? And if you don’t, we need to talk!) I have a pretty good understanding of what my needs are, but it can be so hard to advocate for them. I don’t want to seem needy and I don’t want to rub the person the wrong way. Those things make me uncomfortable because they invite the risk of being rejected. So instead of speaking up, I tend to nod, allow the person to not meet my needs and feel sad about it later. Oh, man. (But thank God, that He is indeed helping me to grow!) 

You Have a Hard Time saying No 

“Kourtney, can you help me with this?”

Well, I do want to be helpful. I know I’m relaxing and I worked all day and I have other things to do, but sure! 

Inside, I may be screaming noooooo!!!! But I say “yes, sure, I can help you.” 

(Now, this is an area God has helped me to grow immensely in. But several years ago, it was more difficult for me to say no) 

Why would I say yes if I really wanted to say no? The answer is simple; I felt bad. I felt like I should. I felt obligated. And what was the result? Emotional burnout. I would feel emotionally exhausted and ill-equipped to deal with my own life because I was trying to help others with theirs. (This is also a sign of codependency) .

You Give Too Much of your Time 

This ties into the difficulties of saying no. I used to help my friends with different things: assignments, babysitting, and emotional support. I used to go to work, go to hang out with girlfriends, take bus trips to Philly, and try to make it back in time for work the next morning. (I’m exaggerating a bit). Long story short, I was doing WAY TOO MUCH! And the thing is, I didn’t always want to do these things. As a result, I would be hard-pressed for time doing the things I actually wanted to do. I was allowing people to use up my time and there was little to none left for me. No bueno. 

You Give Too Much of your Energy 

I remember this one time when I had a boyfriend in college. He was in Philly and I was in New York. He came to see me one weekend. (This was before I was a Christian, God saved me from a lot of unwise decisions, girl! Let me tell you!)  I took the train to go meet him in the city, came back on the train with him, and paid for a cab for us to make it back to campus. Then when he left, I went back to the city with him, on the train, and all the way back to my college campus. That trip to NYC was a good 30+ minutes both ways. I didn’t have a job. I probably had homework to do. But I was more focused on making and keeping him comfortable to avoid rejection or judgement. I was spending way too much energy on trying to keep him happy. He was a big boy, he could’ve found his own way and I would’ve had more energy to spend elsewhere. 

You have Unbalanced Relationships Where you Give More than you Receive 

I’ll start this one with a caveat, not all relationships will be balanced. I have relationships with older women where they give me more advice and support than I’m able to give to them. I have similar relationships with other people. But I think the key to this is not allowing relationships to drain you.( Please note, I am not telling you to cut off these unbalanced relationships. Try to start telling the other person the truth to see if they are willing to invest more.) 

In the past, I’ve had friendships with people who only called me when they needed something. I’ve had relationships where I poured in more time, energy, and care than the other person. And you know what, I am learning to take responsibility for those relationships. I allowed it to happen and I could’ve said, “hey, can you call me to check on me sometimes?” but I didn’t. I didn’t know how to. But once again, God is helping me to learn and grow in these areas. 

Hope For Us People Pleasers

If you can relate to these signs and my experiences, yay!, you are in good company! I used to be ashamed and can still feel ashamed of my people pleasing tendencies, but I am learning to reflect on my mistakes and press on toward expressing God’s glory through growth. My hope is that you will also be able to learn from my mistakes and press on toward your the same glory and growth. 

This month will include a blog series that goes more into depth about people pleasing. Stay connected for my next blog post on the “why” of people pleasing. 

Love and Light, 

Kourtney Naomi