I’m learning to allow generosity to refine me.

Which is difficult because, you know, bills. I have many of them and if Biden doesn’t extend the pandemic forbearance period then my student loans will be added to that already overwhelming list. 

Yet, in spite of the reality of responsibility (and luxury to be honest), God calls me to give and to have a generous heart. But teaching isn’t a lucrative career. I make enough to provide for my needs, but not enough to stunt like my daddy. And if I’m honest with myself, I very much so would like to! 

This past year was a test for me. After moving back to Philadelphia I took a large pay cut. My salary was lower and my bills seemed higher. At the same time, the church I belong to had a special missions collection coming up for churches overseas that are in need. I felt hard-pressed and random expenses kept coming up. It appeared God was requiring more from the dwindling well that was my lil’ bank account. The ground was shaky and unsure. The desire to turn inward and think only about myself was present but God’s small, still voice kept telling me to give, so I did. 

Isn’t it the same with our other insecurities? We’re unsure of what we have to offer or about who we are. Unsure about if we’ll be successful, accepted, loved, or if our plans for the future will work out. So we turn inward, we hesitate to put anything forth. We close our eyes, hearts, and hands. We begin to keep ourselves to ourselves. Away from God and away from the possible hurt of circumstances outside of ourselves. 

Simon-Peter can relate. 

“One day as Jesus was standing by the Lake of Gennesaret, the people were crowding around him and listening to the word of God. He saw at the water’s edge two boats, left there by the fishermen, who were washing their nets. He got into one of the boats, the one belonging to Simon, and asked him to put out a little from shore. Then he sat down and taught the people from the boat. When he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, “Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch.” Simon answered, “Master, we’ve worked hard all night and haven’t caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets.” When they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to break.”

Luke 5:1-6

Jesus called Peter to do the uncomfortable thing. He asked him to put out a little from shore and then he asked him to put out into deep water and let down the nets for a catch. In essence, Jesus was encouraging Peter to risk being disappointed again. Risk failure again. Open up his heart once again. So that he may receive from God.

I love Simon-Peter’s response. He was honest with Jesus about what he was really thinking. But the higher call to us, both me and you, is to imitate Peter’s faith. 

But because you say so, I will let down the nets. 

I’ve seen God work when, even in the midst of my fear and insecuirity, I decide to listen to his call to let down the nets. To be open. To be vulnerable. To be generous even when it hurts. In the instance of my finances, God constantly provided. 

• A random $28.00 check from Wells Fargo 
• A refund from overpayment of taxes 
• An opportunity to cover an extra class at work for a stipend 
• Free financial help from a woman at my church 
• A raise at the end of the year for work performance 
• An additional paid role at work
• A bonus for choosing to come back to work next year  

From these blessings, I was able to give more as well as stunt like my daddy a lil’ bit! But more than the monetary blessings, I learned to be more generous. Not just with my money, but with my heart. I learned to give my heart to God, even when it hurt. 

The blessing of generosity is being able to perceive God better. In that same scripture, a few lines down, Peter falls at Jesus’ feet as he perceives that he is in the presence of holiness. Similarly, through trusting God by being generous I am able to perceive God better. I perceive that He is a provider who listens. What a comfort that is. 

My encouragement to you with wherever you may be, dear reader, is to allow generosity to refine you. Whether that’s opening your heart to love again, opening your heart to church again, being more vulnerable with the people around you, or choosing to dream and trust God through a difficult circumstance.

Let your nets down into deep water so that God can graciously fill them. 

Love and Light, 

Kourtney Naomi