Last week, I wrote about the six signs of people pleasing. If you’re anything like me, you want to know the “why” behind something. It’s not enough to know the what, I need to know the reason behind the what. So this week I’m going to share some reasons behind my people pleasing behaviors and some ways I am learning to overcome these behaviors.

But first, an example:

I remember several instances of being at the hairdresser. My head was tilted back over the shampoo bowl and the hairdresser would wash my hair. The water may have been too hot but I wouldn’t say anything. In my mind, I’d say, “uh, I don’t want to annoy her.” So in turn I would remain quiet as my scalp was burning (not really, but you get the picture.) 

I was afraid to speak up for my need because I didn’t want the hairdresser to be uncomfortable. But if I look deeper, it’s more than that. I probably wanted her to like/accept me. I wasn’t comfortable with myself, so I probably was relying on her acceptance of me to keep me comfortable. I didn’t like the uncomfortable feelings that may have come up as a result of me rocking the boat with my needs. So, I’d accept a burning scalp instead. 

1. We People Please Because of Human Nature

Some Good News For People Pleasers

As I was thinking about the reasons behind people pleasing, I was considering trauma, avoidance of past painful experiences, and people pleasing as a mode of survival. But I believe God used two of my friends, older wiser women, to impress upon me another reason as to why people, people please.

Is there one person on this earth who walks around desiring other people to be unhappy with them? To reject them? I would say no. And if you are a person who seeks after rejection, let’s talk! All of us are made with an innate desire to be accepted, cherished, and loved. I’m starting to believe that this is not a bad thing. (I usually think it is, but I’m learning it is good to question your own ideas sometimes) This realization helped me because usually I get so focused on growth and change that I don’t accept my humanity. So I want to encourage you with this too.

2. We People Please Because We’re Uncomfortable With Ourselves

If you’re a human being (which I hope you are)  you have more than likely been rejected in your life. I’ve been rejected (and have felt rejected) by boys who didn’t like me, past boyfriends, my family, friends, etc. And I’ve also rejected people! Rejection doesn’t feel good and it feels even worse when you haven’t learned to accept yourself. So if you already struggle with loving yourself and then someone rejects you, it feels horrible. It adds salt to the wound and since that pain is horrible, you never want to feel that pain again. You begin to fear that unpleasant feeling and will do anything to avoid feeling it again!

So you resort to people pleasing. You act in a way that is contrary to what may invite rejection from another human being. (What a circuitous affair!) I even want to say that people pleasing is caused by a fear of rejection, but I don’t think that’s the case. It’s deeper than that. Rejection sends you the message that there’s something wrong with you and since you’ve been telling yourself that all along, you think it’s true. And that’s painful. That’s what we fear.

(More on figuring out what’s wrong with you, click here. Disclaimer: there’s nothing wrong with you.)

I people please because I am still learning to accept myself with my flaws. Those same flaws (being too sensitive, being too needy) that have brought rejection in the past. I am learning to accept my sensitivity and my neediness and the more I do so, the more empowered I feel to simply be myself. There is nothing wrong with being sensitive or needy; I just can’t be overly dependent on people to meet my needs because they’re not Jesus. 

3. We People Please Because We’re Empaths

When we tell people no, disagree with them, or tell them an uncomfortable truth– it may hurt their feelings. If you’re an empath, you can feel that energy (which makes you uncomfortable!) or you can relate to that pain. So instead of allowing the other person to feel those uncomfortable feelings that you can feel or identify with, you people please them to save you both. Very much connected to reason #2. However, just because something you do or say hurts someone’s feelings, it doesn’t mean it is causing them damaging pain. It may be a necessary pain that will help them grow. I first learned about this concept in the book Boundaries. Check it out if you want to learn more.

Great, I know Why. Now How Do I Stop People Pleasing?

1. Allow Yourself to Be Uncomfortable

Whatever advice I provide here, here are all things that I am learning too. As I aim to stop people pleasing, the main thing I am focusing on is allowing myself to be uncomfortable. When I feel anxious or worried about being rejected, I am learning to accept that uncomfortable feeling because it’s just that: a feeling.

2. Do The Thing Afraid

I am also learning to do the very thing I don’t want to do. If I have to tell a friend an uncomfortable truth about themselves. I’m learning to do it afraid. If I have to tell my mom she hurt my feelings, I am learning to do it afraid. If I have to tell my boss I don’t agree with her, gosh darn it, I am learning to do it afraid! And each time I do something afraid, I survive and overcome the fear of the pain of that uncomfortable feeling. 

3. Remember, People Are People (Just Like You)

There’s a scripture in Isaiah that can most likely cure people pleasing behaviors. The Passion Translation puts it like this: “So once and for all, stop trusting in man, who is but one breath away from death — frail and puny man.” Isaiah 2:22  

Sometimes when I take the time to reflect, I am able to remember that it’s okay to be displeasing to someone. Their displeasure really has no impact on who I am. Human beings only have as much power over us that we allow. So realizing that the people you are trying to please are just that, people, it brings sensibility into the picture.

4. Learn to like You, even When Others Don’t

A few years ago I sang in front of a group of classmates for an open mic. I was pushing myself to face my fears. I sang, but in the end I felt completely mortified, not because I sang terribly, but because I didn’t receive the praise that I wanted. I felt like I wanted to crawl out of my own skin. Now I’m not at the point where I would do that again, but now I realize that the issue wasn’t other people, the issue was that I was depending on my classmate’s acceptance so that I could accept myself. Next time I do this, I’d focus on liking the way I sing and being proud of the fact that I faced a fear rather than on other people’s responses. 

The Most Important Way To Stop People Pleasing…

The main thing that is helping me overcome people pleasing is the fact that Jesus loves me unconditionally. I can face the uncomfortable feelings and learn to love and accept myself because he does. We all need acceptance and Jesus offers deep and unconditional acceptance if we accept him. I am learning to be able to love who I am and accept who I am because God made me. He had me in his mind as a dream, an idea and he made an intentional decision to create me because he wanted me. So even if others don’t accept or want me, I’m not without because I am with him.

An Invitation

If you are struggling with people pleasing or accepting yourself, I invite you to shoot me a message! Let’s talk about it and figure out how to overcome it together, dear reader. Disclaimer: I plan to talk to you about Jesus. 

Love and Light, 

Kourtney Naomi