Unexpected Transformation: The Beauty of Challenges
For a long time, I felt like I was not equipped to handle life’s challenges. When difficult situations would happen, I’d get anxious. When life was calm, I would get anxious about when the next difficult situation would arise. Anxiety brings a tornado of worries and angst and no matter if life is going smoothly or going crazy, you’re still anxious. It’s not fun. Subconsciously, I think I started to believe that I wouldn’t be able to overcome challenges, that I needed to fix the anxiety before I could get strong enough to overcome hard things. That was faulty, faithless (although understandable) thinking. God had another plan for me. He wasn’t going to wait until I was fixed to strengthen, grow, and transform me. He was going to do these things while I was weak and ill-equipped.
My dream was to become a Literature professor. One thing I am used to is the intensity of academia. So after I graduated college, my desire was to teach college and go after my PhD. I decided to pursue a Master’s in Creative Writing and then planned to get my doctorate in Comparative Literature. While I was in Graduate School, I started to realize that hey, I need a full-time job! At the time, I was working as a Library Clerk, making about $700.00 a month. Yeah, that wasn’t cutting it at all! So, I decided to start job searching but the only job that I found was as a Teacher’s Aide.
I never wanted to work with kids. I thought they were mean and uncontrollable (and real talk, they are!) But this was where God led me. When I met with the Superintendent of the School District, she looked at my resume and she told me “don’t get stuck in this job. Give it a year.” I didn’t have a timeline for my career goals. I didn’t know how long I wanted to be in this job, but I accepted her advice.
My first job assignment was to work with a little boy who was very hyper, in layman’s terms. Listen. This little boy would throw tantrums, put his finger in his eye, and talk about hurting himself. He didn’t listen! On top of this, I was assigned indoor recess duty. This meant being in one classroom with almost THREE full classes of second graders. Discipline and order were not strengths of mine and I didn’t feel confident in my ability as an authority figure, but so what–they needed an adult in the room and that adult was me.
What could I do, but do it?
And I did.
I struggled. Seven year olds can have wicked attitudes. They don’t just sit down and shut up. No. They run, they hit, they yell. The little girls roll their eyes and honestly, those things scared me. But I remember feeling like, this is what God gave me to do. So I did it. I learned the effectiveness of incentives, the power of connection, the cunning of timeouts, and the might of love. (After all, those seven year olds were nothing but soft, big babies. <3)
My second job assignment was to work with another little boy who had very low confidence and a language processing disorder. He required someone who was patient, able to be gentle, and able to break down material in a way he could process. On top of this, his parents were very much involved and I had several meetings with them where they complained about my work with him. Humility and the amount of patience that he required were not strengths of mine and I didn’t feel confident in my ability to nurture him.
What could I do, but do it?
And I did.
I struggled again. But this time, God was showing me that I needed to handle and care for him with velvet mittens, not gloves of steel. I felt like he required too much emotional energy and attention, but again, I remember feeling like this is what God gave me to do. So I did it. I learned the prowess of listening, the art of encouragement, and the strength of a smile. All he needed was someone who believed in him and someone who didn’t want to fix or control him. My little guy thrived and God moved me on.
Now, I’m going through some other challenges.
- Teaching in the middle of a pandemic
- Grieving a lost relationship
- Growing in my emotional health (unlearning a lot of different things)
- Launching a blog
You know, thinking about it now, I think that God allows us to do what we can’t do for his glory. Not in a cliche way, but in the same way that a work of art has to go through being chiseled, molded, sketched, erased, and formed before it can reveal the beauty of its’ creator. I think that’s why God allowed (and allows me) to go through challenging things. If my life was scripted out by my own hand, I wouldn’t place myself in challenging, difficult situations. Challenges reveal weakness and I don’t like to see my weaknesses, but I have learned and am learning that the revelation of weaknesses can serve as invitations for the Creator’s hands to do what they need (and desire) to do.
I’m happy to say that the beginnings of my career as a dedicated and passionate educator began in those elementary and middle school classrooms. Those experiences revealed my weaknesses and even confirmed my insecurities, but they also served as pushes for me to grow and do hard things. I don’t think I would’ve been brave enough to embark on different journeys in the subsequent years, if it had not been for these experiences.
So dear reader, I say all this to say, keep going. You are still a work in progress and you need him to refine you. Allow the Creator to use whatever medium he has to, to create you. Even if it’s anxiety, like 65 second graders in one room, or a room full of sassy sixth graders. Those things can be his chosen colors for the canvas that is your life.
Love and Light,
Kourtney Naomi
